Canada is so polite
It’s like someone bumps into us in the Tim Horton’s line and we say sorry
We’re always saying sorry
Well, I mean, not to the Indigenous people for stealing their land
And Harper only kind of apologized for residential schools while crossing the fingers on his hand
And not to Angelique who we hanged
And not to everyone we bombed in Afghanistan
And not for the internment of the Japanese
Or for the deaths on the railroad built by the Chinese
And not for breaking the treaties
Or racist immigration policies
But we’re so polite we always say please
Well not to our migrant workers or imported nannies
But they should get down on their knees
Because Canada is the Promised Land
No there was no slavery
Just the Underground Railroad because Canada is a gravy train
So forget about the ads for runaway slaves in Halifax newspapers
Canada is a safe haven
For lazy immigrants who come here and we just give you welfare
Earned by hardworking white taxpayers
Because Canada is so white
Just rosy cheeked white people playing in the snow and ice
Just snowshoeing and canoeing all day and night
And no we don’t live in an igloo
And ok, those things were taken from Indigenous people too
But we invented hockey right?
Oh wait, it was Black people who invented the slapshot and butterfly goaltending?
Well we hide that all out of sight
And that’s why Canada is so quiet
Because everyone in Canada is so nice
And let’s not mention the Shelburne race riot
Or cross burnings or Africville or 1200 missing and murdered Indigenous women
But there’s no genocide. Shhhhh.
It’s rude to raise your voice in Canada, so let’s just smile
Canadians aren’t racist. We’re peacekeepers. We’re civilized.
And Don Cherry’s a national icon
But Canadians aren’t violent or bigots, that’s just hockey fights
Canadians are so perky
No there’s no dirty secrets here
Canada is just quirky
Like we say zed and not zee
But if you talk about racism we’ll be like, zzzzzzz,
But there’s no need for that here
Canada is never abusive
Canada is so inclusive
Canada is so inclusive and the proof is that we let other people be here
It’s like, we stole your land and now we’re throwing a party but you can stand at the back if you show us I.D.
It’s like I just put you in the hospital, but here, let me start you an I.V.
It’s like what are you complaining for you got 6 weeks of the Book of Negroes on TV
It’s like we’re going to hoard all the toys but we might give you one if you ask us nicely
We could acknowledge that you have things to offer us but that’s not likely
It’s like PK Subban we might let you be on the Olympic hockey team
If you just stop being so black…I mean so cocky
It’s not about race, it’s about character
We just don’t want you to embarrass the country
It’s just your attitude, we’re not saying anything ugly
I mean you should realize you’re so lucky
It’s not like America here,
There’s no history of segregation
That’s why we put Canadian flags on our backpacks when we travel abroad because Canada has such a good reputation
I mean, we get to travel. You probably don’t
But you just don’t know how to teach English to those Asians
Or build houses in Africa
The country I mean, not the continent
Canadians are so helpful
Because Canada is so tolerant
Which means we know your culture is worse than ours
But we let you do your primitive things because Canada is so confident
So confident that we know better than you
Because our way of doing things is just dominant
We even let you wear your hijab – unless it’s Quebec –
It’s just unfortunate your culture makes you so oppressed
It’s not about racism it’s just about respect
For our shared values. But we like your little costumes
They’re so colorful!
Because Canada is multicultural
We just wish that all you people of colour could just be more punctual
It’s just that white culture is just more functional
But we just love diversity
And let’s forget about how a majority votes conservative
It’s just amazing that so many different cultures go to our child’s nursery
But then we complain when you get an affirmative action bursary
I mean Canada’s multicultural as long as you put white people first
We like your food, fun and fashion but past that isn’t it kind of like racism in reverse?
I mean it’s so unfair how black and native people get free university
We just want to make sure that everybody’s worthy
But Canada has so much courtesy
I mean, we speak English and French
I mean, not perfectly.
Okay, most people only know the French words for cereals
But let’s not be absurd. This is still an English country
Or haven’t you heard
But there’s no distinct societies in Canada
Because Canada is so bland
Nothing to see here, just miles and miles of stolen Indigenous land
Just fisherman and farmers and maple syrup because that’s Canada’s brand.
Just fields of wheat and outdoor ice rinks in all thy son’s command
There’s no guns and violence here just socialist health care plans
And just ignore the environmental damage from the oil sands
Because Canada is so grand
So good at perpetuating this international scam
So sincere at pretending there’s no blood on our hands
Because Canada’s not like that, Canada’s white as a lamb
And those other people, they’re just so angry
But Canada just doesn’t understand.